tracedfeelings | jigokucho inbox

[ it had been a lot of feverish work to get this right, but... a lot of fun, too. getting the outfits made, practicing the choreography, arranging the backing group, but—

it had worked. the audience had liked them, and it had just been

a delight, really. as much as mizuki isn't comfortable with the spotlight, a performance is something else altogether.

she laughs as they retreat backstage, pulling ena along by her hands, still riding the adrenaline. ]

You were soooo good out there!

[ "it'll be just like karaoke with extra steps," ena told herself during the insane run-up to tanabata. "besides, it's one song and you've sang this before. no need to freak out."

and then she and mizuki were standing underneath the bright lights of the stage and oh. oh no. this isn't like karaoke at all. in the brief eternity it takes for the music to kick in, her mind goes totally blank. so many people here, waiting, watching. judging. there's no way she's going to be able to do this.

getting lost in the whoops of the crowd pushes ena through the performance. as do the brief moments where she catches mizuki in her peripheral vision, having the absolutely best time of her life. her energy is infectious and by the time they stumble off stage, ena's nerves seem like a long-forgotten nightmare. ]

So were you! [ she laughs, voice breathless from a combination of giddiness and exertion, and interlocks her fingers with mizuki's. ] We did it, we actually did it!

Hi, Enanan!
Do you have a moment? I wanted to talk about some of the things that we've talked about before.

It's good news.

hi levi! i'm free rn
and omggggggggggGGGGGGGGGGGGG
go on tell me

Haha, you sound so excited.

Maybe you should be.
Because it went so... it was so amazing. It was like magic.
I got to see her with her hair down and we kissed and I spent the night asleep in her arms, and I feel... I feel so light inside, Ena.
I was so afraid but the only thing that was really holding me back was myself. My heart didn't hurt her.
It won't hurt her. We're taking things slowly and safely... but we're taking them together.

I guess Ursula is my girlfriend now?

YAAAAAAAAY
congrats bestie!!!!!!
you both deserve this

[ levi has reached 'bestie' status! definitely a greater accomplishment than any of their gaming championships. ]

that sounds so romantic....
how can you even guess she's your girlfriend after all of that
cmon levi

[bestie... madam president it's an honor.]

Well, we're not exactly rushing to put labels on things!
That's all. And... that's probably for the best, for now. Neither of us wants to take things too quickly.
Besides, it's still brand new, and the last person I had who I called a girlfriend was

[it's here where they stop for a moment. they hadn't shared this part with ena yet, and there's no reason to yet, probably.]

intense.
So the word has a bit of a history with me.
If you understand what I mean?

[ ena's seen her number of relationships that burn too hot, too fast and heard the gossip of fellow students after their inevitable explosion. ("didn't you hear they broke up?" "really? but they were, like, all over each other!" "guess they won't be anymore, huh?")

she can only hope whatever explosion hit levi didn't leave them too shaken. ]

i think i do
but as long as you're both okay with not having a label then who cares
aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA this is so exciting

I know! I'm so happy right now... and I know I'm not doing a great job showing it, but it's still true.
We're being very careful with things, but knowing that I don't have to be afraid anymore... it's helped a lot.
And I have you to thank.

Oh, can I ask something, though? Sort of in return, sort of related.

surrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee???????
what's your question

So you gave me a lot of really important advice, and I think that it's something that I'll take with me whenever I can.
Can I ask where it came from? Whether you've been thinking about that kind of thing yourself, or if you were just coming up with things on the fly.

Maybe it came after drinking down some veno-venom?

huh?
what're you

[ the dots hard stop.

oh. venom like the song from tanabata. the one she performed with mizuki. her best friend that she has a big, stupid crush that is not going away despite doing sure-fire crush killing tactics like texting until the late hours of the morning and hanging out whenever they're both free. that's what levi means.

god, she can't be that obvious, right? people aren't able to tell how stupidly gay she is from just one live performance?

after a few minutes: ]

idk what you mean

Ena, you know I don't want to push you. You're my friend, so tell me to shut up and I'll shut up.
But that song made me worry about you.
You did an amazing job with it, you and Mizuki both, but there were some lines in there...

[they think about the song, consulting the sloppy notes they'd written down as the performance had come to an end. they don't like calling out their friend like this, but if they were able to find happiness, then don't they owe ena that same chance?]

"I pretend more and more to be strong and end up face-down in the mud."
"Give me more love, make the pain go away."

I know that you didn't write these lyrics, but... you can understand why I would be worried about you, right?

[ ena winces at the use of her actual name rather than her online handle. they're serious here. considering their last conversation, rebuffing levi's concern would be hypocritical. she owes them some modicum of honesty at the very least. that doesn't make typing out her responses any easier, however. ]

well
yeah
a lot of our songs sound like that
but it's helping the person who's writing them
i think

[ mafuyu shouting into the void and thousands lifting their voice in chorus. ]

And I'm happy for that.
I'm glad that your lyricist has a voice, too.
But yours is still the one I'm hearing.

[there are two things here that levi wants to address, but one is far more pressing. they decide, then, to offer more of themself. the things that built up inside their chest like dregs.]

Being in the public eye is so stressful. Especially at your age, when you're trying to handle so many different other things.
The expectations of your parents, your friends... the pressure of validating anyone who has their eye on you.
Whether you can feel them looking or not.

How much of that weight are you trying to shoulder on your own, Ena?

i don't handle everything on my own
there's airi
akito too
but sometimes

[ nightmares of her disastrous entrance exam rush in like a red tide. memories of yukihira's class make her so anxious she feels sick. disappearing never stops being an option no matter how much she's determined to live.

and while her friends and family more or less know the whole story, it's rare for someone outside of niigo to shine the spotlight directly into her eyes, force her to blink away the sudden pressure behind them. it takes some time for ena to properly reply. ]

it can be really painful
but singing with niigo always helps
so even if it's mafuyu writing the lyrics we're all being heard
if that makes sense

Edited 2022-09-27 03:33 (UTC)

[they don't reply for a moment, but the read notification still comes through. this is difficult. ena's a friend, but ena is half their age, and the techniques that might work with a peer won't work here. they need to be gentle without handling her with kid gloves. it could never be easy, but no one said it would be.]

I don't mean to sound insensitive, Ena.
But I was torn from my support network when I came here... and I had to rebuild as much as I could.
You're part of it, Mizuki is, everyone I know now is. And there are people I trust to help bear my burdens who weren't there in New Gate.

Singing with Niigo helps. But do you have an Akito here? Do you have an Airi?
Someone who can help you without judging you?
And are you talking to them, if you do?

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tanabata

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text; username: levirage [after ember 3.0]

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cw for the briefest mention of suicidal ideation

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